Disney Announces First Openly Gay Character in Applaudable Effort to Make More Money

In a notable move of diversification that is centered completely around promoting a progressive social consciousness and definitely not boosting profits through hot-button clickbait, Disney has revealed that Beauty and the Beast will include an openly gay character, a first for the company. Disney recently announced that the upcoming live-action Beauty and the Beast adaptation will feature…

Opinion: Why Disney Hates Your Children

The Disney executives believe that your children are the equivalent of bumbling Neanderthals, wandering around picking at their putrid anuses and scummy snot-crusted nostrils with swirly dog poos for brain matter. And they’re probably not wrong, because you’re still showing your children their movies. If you’re looking for evidence that Disney thinks your kids are…

Why Suicide Squad Is An Underrated Masterpiece

Contrary to popular opinion, the most astonishing upset of the 89th Annual Academy Awards ceremony wasn’t the accidental announcement that La La Land had won Best Picture when the winner had awkwardly been Moonlight all along. It was in fact the awe-inspiring win of critical underdog Suicide Squad for Best Makeup and Hairstyling. It just…

Kanye West Announces the Church of Yeezus

Controversial musical icon Kanye West recently announced his plans to begin an organizational movement based around his image, a feat he hopes will allow humanity to truly make the world a better place. After receiving word that a life-sized, gold-painted statue depicting himself as Jesus had been erected in downtown Hollywood, Kanye West briefly entered…

PewDiePie Changes Name to JewDiePie In Shocking Defiance of Critics

Early this morning, mere hours after releasing a video titled “My Response” defending himself in light of recent criticism involving video content critics are describing as “anti-Semitic” and “repugnantly offensive,” internet celebrity PewDiePie officially took his war with the media to the next level by proceeding to change his YouTube handle to JewDiePie in an…